#1055

If you need to explain a joke, it probably isn’t funny.

#750

Buy her a pair of Converse as soon as she starts walking. She won’t always want to wear matching shoes with her old man.

#776

Enjoy the wonder of bath time.

#101

Mothers will be selfish about their children. This is what makes them great.
You, just breathe, say yes, and pay the bills... AND NOT A PEEP OUT THE PIE-HOLE!
You might even learn something or two this time around...

#42

When she learns to give kisses, she will want to plant them all over your face. Encourage this practice.

#41

Letting her ride on your shoulders is pure magic.
Do it now while you have a strong back and she’s still tiny.

#40

She will fight with her mother... Choose sides wisely.

#7

Savor every moment you have together.
Today she’s crawling around the house in diapers, tomorrow you’re handing her the keys to the car, and before you know it, you’re walking her down the aisle.
Some day soon, hanging out with her old man won’t be the the coolest thing ever anymore.
Life happens pretty fast. You better cherish it while you can.

#6

Teach your child that loving grandma and grandpa is very important...

But!!!!!!

It is FAR MORE IMPORTANT to teach them to ALWAYS CHOOSE YOU over them!


P.S
This should be #1...

#5

I'm not here to control you like a puppet... I'm just trying to show you what works and what doesn't work.

#899

Of course you look silly playing peek-a-boo... You should play anyway.

#16

Don't give a fuck!

#77

Teenager:
When you're too young for half the things you want to do and too old to do the other half.

You should know, you were there...

#70

If her mom enrolls her in swim lessons, make sure you get in the pool too. Don’t be intimidated if there are no other dads there. It’s their loss.

#11

Sometimes in life there will be a moment that in order to take a step forward you will need to take a few steps back.

#4

Few things in life are more comforting to a crying little girl than her father’s hand. Never forget this.

#20

Your daughter HAS to know how to change a flat tire... A tire without air shouldn't be a major panic inducing event in her life. She’ll still call you crying the first time it happens.

#246

It has to be mandatory for a child to know who this people or bands are (even though you have no clue who they are) GOOGLE THEM:

Motorhead
Elvis Presley
Elton John
Madonna
Run-D.M.C.
Rush
Janis Joplin
The Doors
Matallica (James Hetfield, Kirk Hammett, Jason Newsted, Lars Ulrich, Cliff Burton, Robert Trujillo)
Led Zeppelin
Megadeth (Dave Mustaine, Dave Ellefson)
Neil Young
Genesis (Phil Colins, Peter Gabriel)
Rage against the machine
Neil Diamond
Ted Nungent
Alice Cooper
Red Hot Chili Peppers (Anthony Kiedis, Flea, John Frusciante, Chad Smith)
Dave Navarro
Guns N’ Roses (Axl Rose, Slash, Steven Adler, Izzy Stradlin, Duff McKagan, Mat Sorum, Gilby Clarke)
The Beastie Boys
Eric Clapton
Pink Floyd
Johnny Cash
Nat “King” Cole
Queen
Michael Jackson
Aerosmith
The Ramones
The Police
Sting
David Bowie
AC/DC
ZZ Top
Bob Seger
The Beatles (George Harrison, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr)
Anthrax
The Kinks
Parliament-Funkadelic
Jefferson Airplane
Bob Dylan
U2
Frank Zappa
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Miles Davis
Blondie
Black Sabbath (Terry “Geezer” Butler, Tony Iommi, Ozzy Osbourne, Bill Ward)
Ronnie James Dio
Van Halen
Patti Smith
Slayer
Aretha Franklin
Marvin Gaye
Sepultura
R.E.M
Grandmaster Flash and the Furious
Ray Charles
James Brown
Nirvana
Stevie Wonder
Chuck Berry
Iron Maiden
Pealr Jam
B.B. King
Les Paul
Rolling Stones
The Who (Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Bassist John Entwistle, Keith Moon)
Simon and Garfunkel
Jimi Hendrix

It will take time but you MUST do this!
The future of this godforsaken society depends ON THIS!!

#89

Let her hold the wheel. She will always remember when daddy let her drive.

# 3

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.

# 150

Obedience and respect for authority.

The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't, period.

# 900

Therapy helps... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper.

Remember you wanted to do it too!

# 55

Buy Lego. The younger you start them on legos the better!

Maybe they won't like them at all, but chances are they do. AND if you're lucky she'll end up being a brilliant civil engineer and will be the one building the next super ultra modern bridge connecting Dubai with Angola or some shit!

# 422

First drink at 13, AT HOME!
First piercing at 15, ON her birthday, GO WITH HER to get it done.
First tattoo at 18, nothing too big, were her future boss CAN'T see it... while fully dressed!

# 15

Make sure that:
1-She can name at least ONE country that starts with "U".
2-She knows the countries that border the one she live in!
3-She CAN positively ID your countries founding fathers!
Ugly or pretty, no one likes a dumb chick.

# 100

On religion: Trust in George Carlin... For further reference also see George on the 10 commandments.

# 525

She can’t be friends with everyone.

# 10

When in doubt....
YouTube: Henry Rollins!

# 528

It’s better to be right than first. It’s best to be both.

# 200

Love her mom. Treat her mother with respect, honor, and a big heaping spoonful of public displays of affection. When she grows up, the odds are good she’ll fall in love with and marry someone who treats her much like you treated her mother. Good or bad, that’s just the way it is. I’d prefer good.

# 2

These are called children, or dependents. Never despair at your own child. Everything they do is a miracle from God. When they are bad its only because they are ‘tired’ or going through a ‘phase’. When other kids are bad, its because of indulgent parenting or innate defects in the child’s character.

# 245

Make sure to teach your child the important things in life, like GOOD MUSIC! doesn't matter if she ends up listening to fucking dembow... Just make sure she knows that it's a long way to the top if you wanna rock n roll, that Iron man is not only a movie, that DIO doesn't only mean god in italian and that Kashmir is not just a god damned fabric!

# 1

Why?
Because i say so!